Things Good Moms Do {My thoughts on "mommy-wars"}

Good moms vaccinate their kids.  Good moms don't vaccinate their kids.

Good moms breastfeed.  And yes, good moms formula feed.

Good moms home school their children. And good moms send their kids to public or private school.

Good moms tend to their babies every cry. And good moms wait a moment to see if baby will soothe itself instead.

Good moms co-sleep. And good moms use cribs. A lot of good moms do a bit of both.

Good moms have hospital births. Good moms have home births. And some good moms have side-of-the-highway, back-of-the-car births!

Good moms adopt too.

Good moms have natural births. Good moms have epidurals. Good moms have cesareans.

Good moms have 10 kids. Good moms have one.

Good moms use cloth diapers.  Good moms use disposable diapers. 

I think you get my drift.

There are a lot of good moms out there.  I know because I meet them nearly everywhere I go. Moms who are sacrificing themselves every day for their children.  Sacrificing themselves in tiny ways that mean nothing to the world and everything to their child. Nurturing and nourishing their families.  Making hard decisions, weighing the latest facts and traditional wisdom through their own lens of hopes and fears and experiences.

And sometimes, yes, doing things differently from you and I.

I see moms tearing each other down over these things.  I've even participated in it.  And it's wretched.  Throughout history woman have learned how to mother from other moms.  And today, instead, we seem more bent on teaching each other how not to parent.  That isn't the same thing.

Here are some things I've discovered while observing these "mommy-wars."

1. Doing things differently from you is not a comment on your parenting.  I made this mistake. I teased and discouraged a dear friend for choosing a home birth because I thought that all her reasons and evidence and facts and resources were meant as an attack on my decision for a hospital birth.  Afterwards I realized that she was sharing her reasons, not trying to influence mine. I selfishly berated a good friend when I should have been cheering her on.

 I'm sorry, friend.

2. An intelligent, loving mother can consider the same facts as you and still come to a different conclusion.   I've been on the receiving end of this one many times.  Some people assume that because I haven't made the same decision as them I must be stupid or evil.  They think they are being charitable by assuming it's the first of the two and try to change my mind by telling me facts I've already heard and read in a condescending and demeaning tone.

Let's not assume that if somebody has come to a different conclusion from us that they have not examined the facts.

3. What is best for the family is often best for the baby.  I believe that cloth diapers are best.  I think they are best for baby, best for the environment, and sometimes better on the pocket book.  Plus, they are so darn cute!  We used them with our first two children. But our community has time-of-use pricing for electricity, meaning that I only have a few waking hours each day in which I can do laundry and with 5 kids I have a lot of laundry.  So for our family it made more sense for us to use disposable diapers (even though I consider them inferior). Trust me, the time I spend sleeping instead of laundering is best for everybody in the house.  It's a give and take.  I had to choose what was best for the whole family.

Just to be clear, there are some issues where we do need to draw clear lines in the sand.  For example, abuse is always wrong.  Formula feeding isn't. 

4. These are important topics, worth discussing.   That is exactly why we need to choose our words carefully.  Moms should gather together to discuss the risks and rewards of immunizations or the best way to potty train.  But polarizing the issue and shaming the other side doesn't encourage conversation, it destroys it. Let's keep the conversation going by asking questions and sharing experiences instead of condemning and criticizing!

Motherhood is hard.  Our children require more from us that we ever knew we could give.  They rely on us for safety, turn to us for answers, long for our nurturing touch even when our bodies are exhausted and our hearts are weary.  Mother hood is really really hard...

 

...and amazing.

Let's not make it any harder for each other than it needs to be.  And if you have a friend who is a good mama, make sure you tell her that you think so.  I bet you it's exactly what she needs to hear.

Thank you for letting me share my two cents.  What are your thoughts on the "mommy wars"?  Have you been wounded by well-meaning moms with different opinions?