What our Daughters (and sons) Need to Know about Modesty

Every year around this time I see articles circulating facebook and blogland that detail exactly why a christian woman ought not to wear a bikini or some other "immodest" article of clothing and I am reminded, as much as I love the church, how broken our view of womanhood and modesty are.

The argument goes something like this: Men are visual creatures and immodest clothes cause men to lust over you. And since the apostle Paul says not to cause a brother to stumble, you need to cover up.

I can see at least four major problems with this line of thinking.

First, it's legalistic. It's tempting to chose rules over relationship, isn't it? The maker of the universe who begs for our every devotion is a little intimidating and it is so much easier to make rules and follow them than to walk in freedom and follow Christ. So we make rules in place of relationship. I do it, you do it, we all do it.

But the rules suck. They don't make sense. They don't account for cultural differences and personal convictions. They don't get to the heart of the issue and they don't have any power to set us free. Jesus came and died and rose again because rules weren't enough.

How much thigh should a swim suit cover? Or how much leg can a skirt show before we turn ourselves into meat for the male mind? These are impossible to answer because modesty is not a type of clothing, but a heart issue.

Secondly, it objectifies women. You heard me. Biblical modesty is about valuing a person as much more than a body, but the above mentioned legalism combined with the shame and manipulation used to get women to cover up is really just telling us that our hearts don't matter, our bodies do. That ultimately our relationship with Jesus comes down to how much cleavage we are showing.

Thirdly, The scriptural defense is weak at best. Let's look at what the bible has to say about modesty.

I desire therefore that the men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting; in like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, but, which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works. 1 Timothy 2:8-10

It seems pretty clear to me in this verse, especially in light of similar verses like proverbs 31:30, that the discussion is more about not gussying ourselves up to impress the world, but seeking to please God with our lives instead. To care more about God's definition of beauty than the world's. And like it or not, it leaves a ton of room for cultural and personal interpretation.

What about not causing a brother to stumble? That's what this is all about, right? The whole reason we aren't supposed to wear bikinis or short shorts or anything that someone could possibly call immodest is supposedly because these items, in conjunction with the female form, cause men to stumble. This claim seems to have been hijacked from 1st Corinthians chapter 8 and Romans 14 where Paul says not to dress like a hussy lest you cause men to stumble.

Oh, wait, that's not there?

Actually, he's talking about eating meat that has been offered to idols, which is no big deal because idols aren't real. He says to enjoy your freedom and go ahead and eat. But if someone else doesn't realize how free they are, use caution. It would be better to never eat meat again than to have someone who looks up to you follow you into something they think is sin. Even if it's not.

If we were going to convert the food-offered-to-idols example into clothing choices instead, it seems to me that a better parallel would be that we aren't to tell a friend who has chosen not to wear a bikini that she should wear one.  Or to tell a friend who chooses to cover her head for worship to stop. Paul is telling us to be careful how we influence people; not to use our freedom to lead them into something they consider sin. Applying this verse to a woman's clothing choices somehow being responsible for a man's heart is a big stretch. If you want a verse that deals specifically with lust, look at 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.

And lastly, it paves the way for victim blaming and rape culture.  Victim blaming is the act of accusing a woman of somehow bringing about the violent crimes committed against her. Rape culture is a society where prevalent attitudes and practices normalize, excuse, tolerate, or even condone rape. When one in four women will be sexual assaulted by the time she finishes college and nobody talks about it? That is rape culture.

Now tell me, how much of a leap is it to go from "Don't wear a bikini on the beach because you will cause men to lust after you" to "Of course she was raped, did you see that dress she was wearing? She was practically asking for it."

By telling young women that wearing certain clothing causes men to lust after them we are setting them up to believe that their actions can cause violence and sexual assault against them. As much as it sickens me to even type these words, we are grooming them to be good complacent victims. 
 

And what message are we sending to our sons? That they are untamable animals, subject to their bodies desires? We ask them to grow up to be godly men, the whole time saying oh, boys will be boys. Don't we want freedom for our sons too? freedom that doesn't depend on what the girl next door is wearing?

I was at a church once where a teenage girl was asked to change the way she dressed because some of the older men in the congregation were being tempted by her sweet summery dresses. The young lady was both livid and ashamed. There is something wrong when the young woman in that scenario is shamed and asked to change but the older men aren't called to repentance, accountability and self control.

Bottom line? You are not responsible for another person's choice to violate you; whether with his mind or his eyes or his heart or his hands. None of it is your fault. Ever.

Here's what I most want my daughters to know about modesty: Girls, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are treasured and valued. It is not your clothes that make you beautiful, but your spirit, your love, your joy and service and the very fact that you are a creation of The Most High. And although there is forgiveness for sin and God is in the business of redeeming our mistakes, there is great beauty and blessing in saving certain pieces of yourself,physically and emotionally, for the man you will spend your life with. God cares what you wear, because he cares about your heart. Seek him first, and whatever you do, do it to the glory of God.

And son, I want you to know that ultimately lust stems from the human heart, not a woman's body. You are responsible for where your eyes go,where your mind goes, what your heart chases after. But also that you are capable. The world is trying to brand you as simple and weak, but that is not who you were made to be. You are not a hopeless pawn in a world saturated with sexual desire but are able and equipped in the strength of the holy spirit to see your mind renewed.

And to all of us, His mercy is new each morning.

Thank you.