It didn't even occur to me that it was postpartum depression. Sure, I cried a lot after Ruby was born 9 months ago, but I told myself that it was just normal hormonal swings, and then the busyness of Christmas, and then a long winter that never seemed to end. I got my thyroid checked and took a multivitamin and swept it all under the rug.
And then all of a sudden it was the middle of summer and somehow I had missed the arrival of brighter days. Somehow I was still in my pajamas waiting for life to make sense again. This was definitely depression.
Depression is exhausting. It's anguish. It's wanting to crawl out of your skin and having nowhere to go. And it's loneliness, because no matter how committed you are to living life out loud and being real and honest you can't make people understand the invisible chronic pain you carry around in your heart and head and gut, the suffocating inside oneself. But so many of you already know this; You don't need me to tell you how much depression hurts.
I've got a support system and a plan. Help from good friends on long days. Prayers. A better diet, regular exercise, fresh air, and a prescription. Because if this little pill will help me to be a better mom, a better wife, a better friend, then I will take it.
The truth is that I don't know if I'm getting better yet. When I am feeling well I can't remember ever being depressed, and when I am at my lowest I can't remember ever feeling well. But I have memories of bursting into my kids bedroom every morning, singing to wake them up, excited for the day ahead. I so desperately want to be that mom again.
Lord, help me to be that mom again.
So what about the blog? I have some blog post ideas in the wings and a couple half finished DIY projects sitting on my porch. And I miss blogging, I miss the community of women that I get to engage here. But honestly, it is hard to write about laundry and chalkboard paint when getting out of bed takes nearly everything you have. I guess what I'm saying is please be patient with me. I haven't gone anywhere.